How Many?
by ilovefetamorethanyou
Summary: How many Organization members does it take to change a lightbulb?


A/N: WOW. This was _supposed_ to be a short drabble. Instead, this one-shot was born. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or its affiliated characters.

_**How Many Organization Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?**_

Xemnas was sitting in his office late one night, silent, deep in thought about the finances of Organization Thirteen.

"Not… enough…." Xemnas mumbled to himself, "…need…more…munny." He fell quiet again. His pen could be heard scratching against the ledger book.

"Income tax… deductible… 1040…" he mumbled some more terms, foreign to all Organization members except he, the Superior.

_Scratch. Scratch_.

_Almost done_.

Xemnas glanced out the window, but saw nothing. Night had fallen, and the only light in the room was provided by the lamp on his desk. Xemnas's golden eyes glinted and were illuminated in the lamplight, and he moved to record his latest calculations.

Just as he put pen to paper, Xemnas was forced to stop. The light bulb burnt out with a sudden _pop_, leaving Xemnas in the pitch-black room, completely dark except for the small red light of the telephone.

Xemnas slammed his fists into the desk and hissed. He felt for the top desk drawer and hastily opened it, searching aimlessly with his hands for a spare lightbulb. Finding none, he slammed the drawer furiously and continued this search methodology until he was out of drawers.

_Where are the spare lightbulbs in this castle?!_ Xemnas wondered, and mentally searched through the 300+ rooms in the castle.

"Gah!" He threw his hands up in the air, swiveled in his chair once, and picked up the telephone, angrily jabbing at the brightly lit button.

"Yes, Superior?" the castle secretary's voice lilted through the speaker phone.

"Naminé! Get me Number II! And tell him to bring a lightbulb!"

"Of course, sir." The telephone fell silent.

Xemnas tapped his fingers impatiently, eyeing the phone that he couldn't really see.

_What is taking him so long?!_ Xemnas thought angrily, almost regretting not going himself.

_Almost_.

Why should the superior, who works so hard every day, bother himself with retrieving a puny lightbulb?

"Sir? 60 or 40 watts?" Naminé returned over the telephone.

"60!" Xemnas growled, already fed up.

"Xigbar should portal there in approximately five sec-"

"Reporting for lightbulb-changing duty!" Xigbar declared, and chuckled. "Is replacing a burnt- out lightbulb too difficult for the superior?"

"Just fix it, Number II," Xemnas growled, straining in the dark to make out Xigbar's form. Failing, he just leaned back against his chair and sighed.

"Where are you, Xemnas?" Xigbar called, narrowing his eyes. He reached out a hand and walked forward. Suddenly, he felt the corner of Xemnas's desk jab into his leg.

Xigbar cursed under his breath, and then noticed the red light of the telephone. "Is the lamp near the telephone?" he asked.

"Yes. Right next to it," Xemnas replied.

"Ok. I think I – Augh!" Xigbar backed hastily away from the desk, due to the fact that his legs were now burning. "Oow!" he cried, and the distinct sound of glass breaking could be heard.

"What did you do?!?" Xemnas asked, infuriated that his light still was not fixed.

"I – gah! – spilled your coffee! That _burns_," he hissed, in obvious pain.

"Just sit down, Number II! I suppose you broke the new lightbulb you brought, didn't you?!" Xemnas ordered, jabbing at his telephone.

"I – dropped it – in my pain," Xigbar explained as he felt his way over to one of the plush armchairs in Xemnas's office.

"Naminé!" Xemnas yelled at the telephone. "Tell Number III to report to my office immediately with a 60 watt lightbulb and a potion for Xigbar!"

"Yes, Superior," Naminé's clear voice came over the telephone. A few seconds later, Number III arrived with the sound of a dark portal opening.

"I heard somebody needed a lightbulb?" Number III's rough voice wafted over to Xemnas.

"Hurry up and replace the burnt out bulb in my lamp. Walk towards this red light." Xemnas held the telephone up by the lamp.

"What about the potion?" Xigbar called, still in pain.

"My lamp, Xaldin," Xemnas warned Number III, "_Then_ you can go fix Xigbar up."

"Punishment for foolishness, ay?" Xaldin grinned as he removed the lampshade and unscrewed the old lightbulb, placing them both carefully on the desk. A few moments later, however, his smile faded.

"…Superior…" Xaldin began, suddenly wary.

"Yes, Number III? What is it?" Xemnas snapped, his patience already wearing thin.

"I believe I may have grabbed the wrong size lightbulb. This one seems to be too small – "

"GIVE XIGBAR HIS POTION," Xemnas roared, jabbing madly at the telephone, "NAMINÉ!"

"…Yes, Superior??"

"GET NUMBER FOUR IMMEDIATELY."

"…is this another lightbulb mission?" Naminé's voice had a tint of nervousness to it.

"Yes. STOP YAPPING AND GET HIM," Xemnas howled in, disbelieving that two of his most trusted underlings had failed at this simple task.

"Yessir," Naminé replied weakly, and paled on the other side of the telephone when she heard Xigbar yell in pain.

Five long minutes later, Number IV walked out of a portal to darkness and quickly spotted the little light of the telephone.

"Superior! I have brought the latest product in a series of cutting-edge lightbulb experiments, with the goal of designing a better, brighter, more energy-efficient – "

"Just change the lightbulb, Vexen," Xemnas interrupted, tapping the desk with his fingers, impatient.

"Certainly." Vexen felt for the lamp and placed the new lightbulb in the designated spot. "Done! Would you like me to turn the light on?"

"Yes," Xemnas confirmed tensely.

_Click_.

The room was illuminated by a low glow.

"Vexen… this light is not bright enough to read and write by," Xemnas commented, blinking and looking down at his ledger.

"Just command it to glow brighter, sir. Say 'more light.' It is programmed to respond to only your voice commands."

"_More light_," Xemnas ordered, looking intensely at the lamp. The light filling the room grew brighter…

And brighter…

And brighter.

Until it was blindingly bright.

"Vexen!" Xemnas cried, shielding his eyes, "Stop it!"

"I – I'm not sure what's happening, it's not supposed to - "

_Pop_.

The lightbulb burst into pieces, the glass falling onto Xemnas's desk.

"I – I – I'm sorry, this was just a prototype, I'll be sure the next one – "

"Naminé!" Xemnas roared, "Get Number V and tell him I need an _ordinary_ lightbulb, NOW! Stress the word ordinary!"

"Yes, Superior," came Naminé's docile voice, "Right away sir."

Two minutes later, Number V emerged from a portal to darkness in the far corner of Xemnas's office.

"Lexaeus, is that you?" Vexen called, still in the room, having made his way to another armchair.

Lexaeus, Number Five, merely grunted and headed in the direction of the red telephone light.

Lexaeus, however, was a rather large man, and was having trouble making his way through the maze of furniture in Xemnas's office. Unfortunately, Lexaeus did not have night vision and promptly tripped over Xigbar's outstretched, injured legs, falling heavily to the floor, the crack of glass muffled by his large mass.

"I believe he broke the light bul – " Vexen began to inform, but was cut off by Xemnas.

"I realize, Vexen, that Lexaeus is an incompetent oaf. If you decide to remind me of this fact again, I will turn you into a dusk immediately."

Vexen shut his mouth.

"Naminé," Xemnas summoned, menace in his voice, "Please alert Number VI of the situation immediately. Hopefully he is smart enough to change a lightbulb."

"Yes, Superior," the young girl's voice came through the telephone.

Silence.

_Tap tap tap_ went Xemnas's fingers.

"Number I?" Naminé had a question for Xemnas.

"Yes?" Xemnas hissed, his last nerve shot.

"Zexion wishes to know which type of lightbulb you desire."

"I told you! 60 watt!"

"What size?"

"Standard!"

"Decorative or plain?"

"Plain!"

"Fluorescent?"

"Just get me a normal lightbulb!"

"…Do you place more emphasis on brightness or energy efficiency?"

"JUST TELL HIM TO GET ME A LIGHTBULB!"

"…Yes, sir."

Xemnas banged his fist against the table, leaned back against his chair and closed his eyes.

Waiting…

Waiting…

Half an hour went by as the five men sat in Xemnas's office (one of which was still KO'ed on the floor).

"WHERE IS ZEXION?!?" Xemnas finally howled, standing up in anger.

"I'm right here, sir," Zexion, Number VI, notified Xemnas as he stepped out of his dark portal.

"You better have an excellent explanation as to why I have been waiting here, in the dark, for at least 30 minutes," Xemnas threatened, obviously furious.

"I was merely inspecting the castle's stock of lightbulbs, spread throughout a total of 52 rooms, in order to determine which lightbulb was of the highest quality and suitable for you, Number I," Zexion explained, holding a book tightly to his chest.

"And which bulb did you find suitable?" Xemnas inquired, for the moment appeased at the thought that Zexion had found the best lightbulb in the entire castle, the thoughtful, intelligent minion that he was.

"None, sir," came Zexion's swift, confident, unashamed response.

"…None?" came Xemnas's quiet, seemingly calm reply.

"No, sir. The lightbulbs I found were either too dark, too bright, of poor quality, cheaply made, or of intolerable energy efficiency. I tested each bulb against a standard rubric I devised for just this purpose. I have the criteria here if you would like to – "

"That is ENOUGH, Zexion," Xemnas silenced, waving in the dark. He sighed, resigned to the fate of having imbeciles as underlings, and put a hand to his forehead. "Sometimes, Number VI, you are too intelligent for your own good. Be thankful I am too tired to summon the energy to turn you into a dusk."

"Thank you, Superior," Zexion replied, and made his way over to another armchair. "I will be here if you need any more assistance.

"…" Xemnas muttered something unintelligible under his breath. "Naminé?" Xemnas summoned, in a tired voice.

"Yes, sir?"

"Please assign Number VII the following mission: Replace the lightbulb in the office of Number I," Xemnas replied, referring to his office.

"Will do," Naminé agreed, and did just that.

Xemnas sat back in his chair and sighed again. He was sure that Saïx, his most trusted underling, would be able to carry out the job to completion.

A few minutes later, another dark portal opened in Xemnas's office, and out stepped Number VII, Saïx.

"Finally," Xemnas called, "Bring the lightbulb over here, Saïx. Watch out for Lexaeus, he's on the floor somewhere; don't trip over him."

"Of course," Saïx replied confidently, striding over to the desk. "I have brought a lightbulb and I will bring light to this room."

"Hurry," Xemnas snapped, not in the mood for small talk.

Saïx removed the remnants of Vexen's experimental bulb from the lamp and screwed in the new one.

"FINALLY!" Xemnas shouted, overjoyed that the lamp was fixed, "LET THERE BE LI – " Xemnas stopped in the middle of his exclamation when he turned the lamp on with a _click_ and discovered that the level of light in the room had not changed. "Saïx… why is there no light?"

"This bulb runs on moon power, Superior," Saïx explained, gesturing out the window. "Allow me to demonstrate. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Saïx began to glow, floating up towards the ceiling and lighting up the room as he summoned his powers of the moon. His eyes glimmered and he touched the lightbulb, sending a charge of moon energy into it. "BEHOLD," he cried, looking slightly berserk, "THE POWER OF THE MOON!"

The bulb glowed after absorbing Saïx's power, illuminating Xemnas's tidy calculations. Xemnas frowned as Saïx drifted back towards the ground, no longer radiating moonlight.

"The bulb can be charged via lunar power, or exposure to moonlight," Saïx commented as he floated down.

"…Saïx," Xemnas addressed as soon as Number VII had touched back down, "GET OUT OF MY SIGHT." Xemnas angrily pushed the buttons on his telephone. "IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A NORMAL LIGHTBULB?!? REALLY? NAMINÉ!!!"

"Should I summon Number VIII, Superior?" she asked, by now able to predict his request.

"YES. FINALLY, SOMEBODY WITH SOME SENSE. NOW I REMEMBER WHY I HIRED YOU, NAMINÉ!"

"Thank you, Superior. VIII is aware of the situation and is on his way."

"Good GRIEF," Xemnas yelled as he hung up the phone, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU IMBECILES?"

"Need a light?" came the cocky voice of Number VIII, "Where's the offending lamp? This is the easiest mission I've had all day!"

"The lamp is here, Axel." Xemnas pointed at the only lamp in the room. _At least we have some light now_, Xemnas thought as Axel avoided tripping over Lexaeus. Saïx's lunar light was still illuminating the room, and Xemnas surveyed the condition of his followers who were gathered there.

Xigbar was still cringing in pain, occasionally taking a sip from the potion brought to him by Xaldin, who was sitting in the armchair next to him. Vexen was looking for a spare potion in his lab coat pockets in order to fix up Lexaeus, who was still unconscious on the floor. Zexion was reading by light of the moon near Xemnas's window, and Saïx was nowhere to be seen. _He's probably under a desk somewhere,_ Xemnas thought.

"Is this the old bulb?" Axel asked after he unscrewed the moon-powered bulb, tossing it to Zexion, who pointed it towards the page he was reading. He picked up a lightbulb off the table.

"It's burnt-out," Xemnas told him and frowned.

"Burnt is my specialty." Axel grinned. He held up the light bulb with one hand and pointed at it with the index finger of the other. "Fire!" he exclaimed enthusiastically, his grin growing wider as a small flame appeared inside the lightbulb. "Mission accomplished!" He patted his hands together and turned to go.

"Axel," Xemnas growled frightfully, "What do you _mean_ mission accomplished? I need you to replace this lightbulb."

"Why?" Axel asked innocently, a bit perturbed, "This one still works fine."

"NO, IDIOT, LIGHT BULBS ARE NOT MEANT TO HAVE FIRE WITHIN THEM! WHY AM I EVEN EXPLAINING THIS TO YOU?! NAMINÉ, GET ME NUMBER IX!"

"Whatever," Axel shrugged and found a comfortable spot on Xemnas's sofa, "It's your call."

"Number IX is on his way to the storage room, Superior," Naminé informed Xemnas.

"Good." Xemnas crossed his arms and sat back in his chair and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"Where is he?!?" Xemnas demanded to know after fifteen minutes, "I don't have time to waste waiting for imbeciles!"

"I believe his is lost, Superior," Naminé replied, then turned her attention away from Xemnas. "Mmm-hmmm. Yes. Turn left. Right. Second door on the left. Right again. Down the long hallway. Turn left. Down another long hallway. Up three flights of stairs…… turn right. Walk all the way to the end of the hall. Second door on the left. Yes. What do you mean there's only toilet paper in there?! You must be on the wrong floor, Demyx."

Xemnas frowned as he listened to Naminé's conversation with Number IX.

"Yes, Superior, Demyx is hopelessly lost somewhere between the 30th and 37th floors and can't find the lightbulbs. May I suggest that you call Number X?"

"Please," Xemnas said dryly, unamused.

"Luxord will arrive shortly. He has to finish the last round of poker in Twilight Town's casino. He just went all in and has a feeling he's about to win a jackpot," Naminé explained calmly.

"Well, Naminé, please tell him to BRING ME A LIGHTBULB RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I HIGHLY SUSPECT A LOWLY DUSK, WHICH YOU WILL BE IF YOU DO NOT PUT DOWN YOUR CARDS IMMEDIATELY, IS INCAPABLE OF GAMBLING" Xemnas yelled threateningly.

"DARN IT, XEMNAS!" Number X growled as he tumbled through a portal to darkness, throwing a hand of cards up in the air, "I JUST WALKED OUT ON A 750,000,000,000,000 MUNNY JACKPOT BECAUSE _YOU_ CAN'T CHANGE A LIGHTBULB! I WOULD BE A RICH MAN RIGHT NOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR – "

"Just FIX the LIGHTBULB, LUXORD," Xemnas yelled at Number X, indignant that the man would dare rant against he, the Superior.

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" He waved a hand angrily and the lightbulb lit up, just as bright as it was the day Xemnas turned his lamp on for the first time.

"Whoa, how'd you do that?" Axel asked from his lounging position on the couch.

"I simply took the lightbulb back in time to when it still worked," Luxord explained, "Now can I please get back to my – "

_Pop_.

"!" Xemnas exploded when the lightbulb burnt out _again_. "YOU FOOL!"

"Looks like I didn't take it far back enough. Well, it seems that fate doesn't want you to use this lightbulb, Xemnas," Luxord put a hand to his chin and chuckled.

Xemnas, by now, was simply steaming. "_NAMINÉ_," he hissed at the poor girl over the telephone, even though she didn't have anything to do with the current situation.

"…Yes, Superior?" she asked after a pause, obviously more than a bit frightened.

"_Get Number XI_."

"…Of course, Superior."

To calm his mind, Xemnas began crushing the glass shards of the first lightbulb Xigbar broke. Everybody in the room cringed at the sound of the torture the glass was undergoing.

Suddenly, a gentle breeze ran through the room, carrying the scent of roses and the inhabitants felt flower petals brush past them. Light began to fill the room as Number XI exited a portal to darkness carrying the most exotic looking pink flower the Organization had ever seen.

"Superior," Number XI, Marluxia, addressed as he stepped toward Xemnas, "I have brought you the unique light-giving flower. I have spent months cultivating it specially for you, and I am proud to present this one-of-a-kind specimen."

Xemnas and companions just… stared. The flower was HUGE. And pink. Very pink.

Xemnas shook his head as if waking up from a dream. He pushed a button on the telephone. "Naminé?" he called, completely ignoring Marluxia. "Please get Number XII to fix my lamp."

"Don't you like my flower?" Marluxia asked worriedly as he placed the potted plant on Xemnas's desk. Xemnas glared at Marluxia, not even giving him the satisfaction of a response. Marluxia frowned and turned away, shoving Axel's long legs off the couch to make room for him to sit.

"Boys, boys," a blonde woman, Number XII, stepped out of a portal, "I can't believe all eleven of you couldn't do a simple thing such as replace a lightbulb." She sighed dramatically. "I guess it takes a woman to do the job."

Xemnas glared at her.

"Hmmm, this looks like an electrical problem," she said, peering at the lamp, which was illuminated by the light of Marluxia's… flower. "I'll have this fixed in a jiff. THUNDAGA!"

The woman threw her hands up in the air as the whole room leapt into action at her words. Xemnas dived under his desk, Marluxia and Axel hid behind the sofa, and Zexion put his book over his head as Vexen, Xaldin, and Xigbar all took shelter under Lexaeus's massive unconscious body.

"Hey look! Saïx is under here! So that's where you've been hiding!" Xigbar laughed as he covered his ears.

The BOOM! of thunder filled the room as lightning struck repeatedly, singeing everything in sight, hissing as it burnt through Lexaeus's coat, and letting out flashes of light that bombarded the eyes of the Organization members.

Smoke wafted everywhere and the crackling ceased.

"Whoops…" Number XII put a finger to her chin, "Looks like I missed!" She cackled maniacally.

The ten men emerged from their protective shelters and surveyed the damage. Burn marks were everywhere, on the walls, scarring Xemnas's desk, and marring the floor. Lexaeus's black coat had several large holes and was still smoking. The lightning had even singed right through half of Xemnas's financial calculations, leaving them practically unreadable.

The lightbulb, however, still did not shine with light.

Xemnas studied a singed end of his stunning silver hair. "Naminé," he called to the telephone, "Summon Number XIII." He turned toward the woman responsible for the mess. "Larxene, this is coming out of your paycheck."

"What! But this was part of my mission!" Larxene insisted, outraged.

"Mission aborted," Xemnas commented, "Now back away."

"Good grief," Larxene commented, and plopped herself in between Axel and Marluxia. "You think little Number XIII can fix this better than I can?"

"Superior?" a meek voice belonging to a blonde boy reached their ears as he appeared in the room. "Can I ask a question?"

"Yes, Roxas?" Xemnas raised an eyebrow at Number XIII.

"…What's a lightbulb?"

Xemnas sighed, feeling incredibly defeated. "It's a contraption that is used in lamps to provide light, Roxas. It looks like this." He pointed at the burnt-out light bulb.

"Oh. Ok. Thanks. I'm going to go record this in my diary now." Roxas pulled out a notebook and sat in an armchair next to Axel, who was sitting at the end of the sofa, writing furiously.

"Naminé."

"XIV is on her way, sir. I called her before you even asked for XIII."

"…You're a good girl, Naminé."

"Thank you, Superior."

A black-haired girl portalled into the room, appearing on Xemnas's desk.

"Is this what you asked for, Number I?" Number XIV asked, holding up what looked to be a normal lightbulb.

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSS," Xemnas cried in triumph, happy at last. "Just – " He stopped and stared as she tossed it in the air and hit it with her keyblade, shattering it into a million pieces.

"Huh. Aren't heartless supposed to come out of it?" Xion asked, confused.

Xemnas got as close to crying as an evil, heart-hungry man ever will.

"Goodness. If you want a job done right, you just have to do it yourself," a familiar female voice chimed in. Xemnas looked over to see Naminé standing in the room, rather than speaking to him over the telephone.

"I _told_ Demyx. Second door on the left. Simple," she shrugged as she held up a beautiful new lightbulb. An _ordinary_ lightbulb. She walked over and unscrewed the poor burnt-out one and installed the new one. She replaced the lampshade and shook her head. "Men," she commented, "Can't do anything right." She turned the power on with a _click_ and the room was filled with normal lamplight.

"There," she declared, satisfied, "All done."

"Naminé," Xemnas looked at her, "I never regret the day I kidnapped you and took you captive."

"That's good to hear, Xemnas. Now go back to your work." She smiled, and left the room through the door.

"Now as for you thirteen. Or rather twelve, since Demyx is still missing," Xemnas smiled evilly, "There are new missions ready for you. GO. NOW."

The members quickly disbanded, running away from the Superior's wrath.

None of them ever touched a lightbulb again.

***

Three years later

"YESSSS! I HAVE FOUND THE LIGHTBULBS!" Demyx, Number IX, declared, victorious. He quickly opened a portal to darkness to Xemnas's office.

"XEMNAS! I HAVE THE LIGHTBULB YOU ASKED FOR!" Demyx yelled joyously, happy to have been assigned a mission that did _not_ involve combat. Demyx looked around, and his smile faded.

"…Xemnas?" he questioned the empty room. "Superior? Where are you?"

He portalled in and out of room after room, looking for the Superior, but did not find him. In fact, the castle seemed to be deserted.

"WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!?!? WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE?!? HOLY – ARE THESE GRAVES?!?"

***

Final A/N: If it wasn't clear, Demyx finally finds his way _after_ everybody's been defeated by Sora. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Please review! Whew, ok, I'm done with this finally!


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